into kippy's brain

 I was writing and it deleted my whole entry im gonna start crying

today in jazz band, we cleaned the band room and storage room because we didn't want rats in the school when the symphonic band competition plays in two days from now. there's drama with a lot of my friends, so it's hard to find friends to be around. I feel invisible to a lot of them, and I feel like if I wasn't present, they wouldn't notice. today is my brother's birthday, and I don't know what to feel. people like him more than me anyway, not just on birthday stuff. especially because my birthday is during spring break, barely anyone remembers my birthday and I always celebrate it late so I can give everyone a chance to recover from whatever they did over the break in case i'm overloading them with things. I have  a lot of math homework that I don't know how to do. my section leader in band told me I have to play in class tomorrow, and I normally don't due to complications and long stories, so i'm just worried he'll get more mad at me for not knowing my part i've only had for two weeks or my band director getting mad at me for the same reason. since it's so close to the competition (CPA, concert performance assessment), it's pathetic that I still don't know my part. information gets relayed a lot slower than usual because I don't have class with the rest of percussion, so things get mixed up and i'm far more unprepared than the rest of my section. i'm so exhausted. the last time I felt this pathetic, especially because of band, I just cried. I'm really close to. i'm so tired and I feel so stupid. I don't think this is period hormones because I feel this way anyway, menstruating or not. yes, periods induce hormones like this, but I would know if it's hormones or not because it feels different than whatever this is. hormone-induced emotional problems is less severe, less personal or deep, less spiral-causing. hormones make me upset because i'm in pain or i'm tired. hormones make me stress out a little more than I normally do. what hormones don't do is make me want to end my life over music. hormones don't cause raging fits of tears because i'm scared my friends don't like me anymore. there's no good way to end this. i'm so exhausted.